Abuse doesn’t have to be just physical for it to have a profound impact on your mental and physical health.

My book tells the story of how our lives revolved around my stepdad and his addiction. How every decision was made with his needs at the forefront, and how our lives were controlled by his behaviour. How I would come home from school unsure of what I was walking into and how Christmases were ruined by alcohol-fuelled arguments. It tells of events, secrets, and lies that changed and shaped my personality and how I found the strength to heal.

Whilst growing up, I lived with my mum and stepdad. My stepdad was an alcoholic whose mood and behaviour were volatile; he had violent outbursts and was extremely argumentative and belittling. His upbringing and addiction instilled in him an excessive sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. He demanded my mum’s constant attention, was completely dependent on her, and viewed everyone else as insignificant.

The constant arguments and volatile outbursts created an environment of uncertainty, as we never knew how quickly his mood could change with just one word. Being constantly frightened of what might happen and having no control was extremely stressful, especially during my teenage years.

We never had a voice, in his eyes we were always wrong, and never good at anything. My mum’s life was devoted to him, navigating through all the traumas, ups, and downs, and worrying about whether we would have money to live.

You soon learned to be invisible, to not have an opinion, ensuring you did the right thing to avoid any outbursts.

Years of ongoing mental abuse shape and change your personality, forcing you to adapt to the situations.

The pain of these traumas does not stop when the abuse does; they have long-lasting damaging repercussions, and the permanent invisible scares and everyday struggles are a constant reminder.

Throughout my healing journey, I became acutely aware of the detrimental effects the sexual and mental abuse had on my life. Many coping behaviours from my youth persisted into adulthood, even when they no longer made sense. When you confront and process long- buried emotions, you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and begin to question and change destructive beliefs and behaviours, starting to heal.

I continue to be highly organised, always in control and on top of everything. It’s like I am waiting for the inevitable to happen and must be ready for anything. The trouble is it never ends, and I am constantly doing, so that I have time, but then I fill that time with other things to do; what next, just in case, it’s ‘exhausting’ at times. This is a by-product of trying to keep everything together when I was younger and waiting for the moment everything would change.

Remember we are living what we learn until we decide not to and change. Some of these traits or behaviours, especially emotional and psychological behaviours, can stay with you forever. The sooner we become self-aware of them and begin to understand their root cause, the easier they become to manage and cope with. During childhood, we learn ways to exist in the world and relate to others. That world is usually our family or carers. We are influenced by everyone around us, how they behave with one another, and how they build relationships.

I grieve for the life I have lived but not felt; it’s like I read about it or watched a program about it; I was observing my life rather than living it. When asked how it felt to be at certain places or events, I said, “Nice”; things would feel the same whether good or bad; I was emotionless. Your emotional development is shaped from a very early age, and mine was damaged at such a young age. I was always too scared to be happy or feel joy, like I would be punished somehow, ‘stay silent, don’t make a sound, don’t be noticed, become invisible’.

In the self-help section you will find help on healing, there are worksheets, information on being emotionally numb, self-awareness, building up your self-esteem and self-compassion.

Your self-esteem starts to grow as soon as you are born. Babies do not see themselves in a good or bad way. Children learn from a very young age what they are worth.

I believe this subject is often overlooked when dealing with mental health awareness. It is one of the first areas I addressed, and I believe it holds the foundations for starting your healing journey and build a better version of yourself.